Saturday, October 30, 2021

Some painful life lessons learned

Hello my beautiful people, 


We are nearing end of October. This year has been a really tough year for me. Life changing things happened that took me so many hundred steps back. I am healing, from the wounds, from the pain, from the cryings, from the frustrations, from the loss. I still cry. The pain is so significant in my heart that just a gentle touch of this spot will cause tremendous pain in my heart. 


Through heartbreak of a relationship, these are the few things i learned and realised: 

- I can't make a relationship work if it is a one man show. 
- I have to stop settling for empty words. Actions should be the one thing I am asking for.
- I need someone who is responsive and validates my feelings.
- I need someone who is willing to put in the consistent work just as much as I do, to build a strong relationship together.
- I need someone who doesn't run away from problems and give up when shit happens.
- I learned that I am actually capable to forgive many things and be understanding to things that I would have never thought that I could. 


I kept asking myself why I kept settling for this half hearted love. Why do i still see the best in somebody who repeatedly hurt me, who never kept their promises. 

I was in an emotional struggle for months. Long nights of crying. It came to a point that it began to scare me out. I knew that i couldn't keep on feeling like this. So i began to seek help in therapy. 

What else worse could happen when you are already suffering with a heartbreak? I lost one of my dear family member suddenly overnight. This sudden loss completely shaken me. No words to describe my feeling. Never ever ever in my life i thought it would happen this way. Dumb-founded. Speechless. Absolutely heartbroken. Until now, i am still grieving. 

Truly, if there is something you wanted to say and do, say and do it. Do not wait until it is too late. I have many regrets to this. I am crying as i am writing this. Now, i could only say it in my dreams, to the air, hoping you could hear...

This is all one big pain button inside me. I understand that time will eventually heal many things. And i am just waiting till that time to come. 

As i continue seeking therapy, i began investing my time to do things that i enjoy doing. Recently, i finally stepped out of my house (after 6 months) for a dinner with a friend. I know that one day, i will be able to pass through the storm. 

I hope my life lessons bring a message to you my beautiful people. Always remember to cherish while you could (no matter if you are angry or upset with someone). Remember to always love yourself more and draw clear boundaries for yourself if someone disrespects you. 

xx 

Autumn is the hardest season. The tree is a reminder. Everything that once live must die. And after the winter, will always come spring. So we begin again...

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