Sunday, December 26, 2021

2021 Reflection

Dear beautiful people, we are just 5 days away from the New Year! It is time for a whole year's reflection now (as what i always do at the end of every year). I would describe this year as 'hell' for me. Broke down many times at the beginning and middle-end of this year. Took me many months to regain my strength and courage to stand up for myself, find hope, and get through some difficult moments. 

I lost 2 men in my life this year. My dad and my ex. Things weren't exactly great with my ex beginning this year. We tried to keep working it out, but i guess once the other person decides to cut off communication then that would be the sign of a failed relationship. But i learned the greatest lesson through this break up. He taught me so many things. I learned to stop giving myself excuses for him. I learned to stop waiting for uncertainties. I learned to stop allowing myself to be disrespected. I learned that my heart was so great i actually took on all the shits he had and put them on myself, empathising him and giving him time. And yet i was told i am not understanding enough. It took me very long to realise that anymore understanding i gave was a disrespect for myself. And i stupidly allowed myself to be disrespected. 

I also learned a great lesson to stop trusting words, and instead look for actions. No one is ever too busy for any one if she meant something to you. I stop giving myself excuses to why he ignores my call even though he said he will call back, to why he always avoid problems, to why he responses so slowly.. Out of all these insecurities and confusion, i was told in my head his feelings are still for me. I stupidly trust words so much even though actions didn't match. 

In these many months of confusion, my mental health took a toll on me. In the midst of this 'trying to figure out what is really happening, are we still together, and if not could he just said it is over' time, i received a sudden call from the hospital that my dad had unfortunately passed away. Out of the blue.. no signs of anything.. 

God my heart was completely shattered. I took it as a joke initially. I just couldn't believe what i was hearing. I couldn't believe until the very moment i stepped foot into the hospital and hearing it personally from the doctor. I was fucking lost. 

There was no time for last words. Never ever in a million thoughts i would be losing my father this way. As i was the eldest child, i felt the responsibility on my shoulder to handle the matters that come next. It was all new to me. My heart was dying inside but i couldn't afford to be emotional. I told myself that in this times of chaos, i need to be calm headed. Then there was a whole drama of some family matters that let me see (for the first time) what human greed is. 

If i could describe how i felt back then. I was like a glass bottle. I was filled. Squeezed. Almost exploding. Shattering.                        

It was through these difficult times that i learned. All the legal law, all the human greed, all the adult problems. 

Therapy session started mid year because i couldn't deal with this myself. And once every two weeks, I went on therapy. I didn't like what I was seeing on my credit card bill, but i know this would be an investment for my mental health. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a reflection of a stick. I didn't like how all these were affecting my physical health too. 

And trying to continue being professional at my work was tough at first. I began doing crypto trading. For a moment, i found my safe haven. I literally dived myself into crypto trading - day and night. This was much better than drinking or exercising. I was making money. I turned to it as an escape of my reality. I felt safe, felt like i am myself. I was doing something that i really like. 

Weeks passed, months passed... One day I decided my relationship was enough for me. I need to stop holding on to what doesn't serve me. I need to stop prioritising a shit relationship where i wasn't being valued and respected. I need to stop letting people get into my mind so easily. I need to stop putting up bullshits. I need to stop being kind to people who aren't kind to me. 

And just like that, as if the Universe was speaking to me, he found me another path. I walked on it and never look back. I found my laughter again. I found my sense of calm again. I finally make peace with the Universe. I don't resist anymore. Whatever comes, comes. Whatever goes, goes. 

I value myself more so than ever. My therapy session has also helped me to be more aligned with my true self. 

I grown a lot this year. The months and weeks of crying were great lessons learned. Painful lessons. I never get to say what i'd wanted to say to my father. But i know he has heard me from heaven. I thank my ex for giving me such painful lessons. I see human greed. I am glad i am not part of it. Today, i continue to stand for my beliefs and authenticity. Not shaken. 

Throw me a storm. I will get through it. 

But having said that, i still hope God will be kinder to me next year. I was barely breathing this year. lol. Whatever it is, it is what it is. 

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in advance! 

(Cheers with my gin & yuzu 🥂)